Snowmageddon Missive—2011

In the hopes of avoiding the inevitable phone call to SRS and in hopes to assay all fears concerning my parenting skills, I am going to issue the following statement to my children's teachers.  Please hold all questions until the end of this prepared statement.

Dear Miss Jeanie, Miss Carrot, and My Miss Kim Says,

            First and foremost, our entire household is very thankful to be back to school.  The diversion and socialization that school provides has been severely missed.  And now to address the multiple incidences that occurred over the week long snowcation, that without further explanation could shine an unflattering light on our my parenting skills. 

• Porter’s black eye—It occurred at church two Sundays ago, in full sight of numerous members of our congregation, including our Pastor-who is willing to testify if necessary. 
• The numerous bruise like and/or dirty looking spots covering my sons’ bodies—The boys got into the junk drawer and painted all of the bedrooms and themselves with a wood stain pen (Ya know, the kind you use to touch up your molding with?).  It comes off walls easier than it comes off skin—which is to say not at all.  And the smiley face on Logan’s backside was done by Porter.  I thought it was really advanced for a three year old.

I would now like to cover a couple of parenting decisions that might be considered wrong unorthodox. 

• It is true that the boys do not currently have beds.  They are in fact sleeping on mattresses on the floor.  The reason for this is because while trying to amuse entertain occupy themselves they took their toddler beds apart and began using them as instruments of death ladders to reach items on the high shelf in their closet.  The beds will be returned to them once we can figure out how to put them back together or find something they can’t destroy. 
• They were, in fact, forced to wear wet clothes for an afternoon because they continuously changed clothing for no reason.  After I explained to them that the outfits they were wearing was the last quick change of the day they put all their clothes in the bathtub and proceeded to fill the tub with water.  I removed the clothing from the tub, wrung them out and re-dressed them in the wet clothes.

After hearing all of this you might get the impression that we leave our children unattended a great deal.  This couldn’t be further from the truth!  My children from a very early age have been experts in the use of diversionary tactics. That and most of these events occurred while my husband was watching them.  I would like for you to understand that we take our parental responsibilities very, VERY seriously and for reasons that can only be explained as cabin fever, our children’s lapse into the insane should be a temporary (I hope) setback. 

            I will now take questions.