Remember that time I had a tubal ligation?

First off, I'm not pregnant. Although convincing my doctor of this, seemed to take an act of congress. Second, I suffer from anxiety and mild depression. If I've never mentioned it, it's only because it either never occurred to me or it just wasn't funny enough to mention, I'm not ashamed or anything. 

Either way, I ended up in my doctor's office yesterday because I needed to chat with him about some side effects from the medication I was taking for my anxiety. I've had some heart palpitations, insomnia, muscle cramps and NAUSEA. Oh, so much nausea.

After our usual chit-chat to determine that I'm not suicidal or anything, (It sounds a lot like small talk with a few leading questions about whether I want to slit my wrists, own a gun or if I've locked the children in their cages, I mean rooms.) we get down to why I'm not happy with the "Happy Pill" I've been prescribed.

I list the afore mentioned side effects with an emphasis on the nausea.

Doctor: Is the nausea constant?
Me: Worse in the morning, after I take the pill, but pretty much all the time. It's bad enough that I've started taking the pill at night so I can sleep through the majority of the nausea but now I'm having sleep issues.
Doctor: Hmm... What kind of sleep issues?
Me: Weird dreams that I can't remember but leave me unsettled, muscle cramps in my abdomen and legs and trouble staying asleep.
Doctor: Hmm... Could you possibly be pregnant?
Me: Oh, hell, no!
Doctor: Um, are you saying there are "other" problems?
Me: If that's your way of asking me if my husband and I have sex, we do and we have recently, but I've had a tubal ligation and uterine ablation. I'm not pregnant.
Doctor: Yes, I see that in your file, BUT you also became pregnant with twins, while on the pill, with only ONE ovary. If anyone could find a way, I would say it was you. *polite chuckle*
Me: *cold, seething, rage monster* Yes. But I'm NOT pregnant.
Doctor: Would you consent to a pregnancy test?
Me: Fine. Whatever. But I'm NOT pregnant! I haven't had the dreams or anything.
Doctor: Dreams?
Me: *sigh* Yes. I have a dream where someone hands me a baby and then I know I'm pregnant.
Doctor: *polite smirk* Yes. Very scientific. Maybe it's too early for the "dream"?
Me: *larger sigh* No. I have the dream at conception. I'm typically only hours or a day pregnant. Far too early for a pregnancy test to register.
Doctor: Well, some of your symptoms could be related to a UTI.
Me: No, I only have UTIs when I'm pregnant.
Doctor: OK. *laugh* Why don't we test you for a UTI and WHEN it comes back positive THEN I will do a pregnancy test too?
Me: *defeated* Whatever makes you happy. You do realize that I'm here because of my anxiety and this conversation is pushing me towards an anxiety attack, right?
Doctor: We'll go ahead and switch your meds too.
Me: Great.
Doctor: *as he's leaving* You know the pill is 99% effective and a tubal ligation is only 96%?
Doctor: Yeah, ok. I'll call you with the results.

He didn't call. The nurse did. I'm sure he was devastated by the fact that I wasn't pregnant and didn't have a UTI. I also realized that if he wasn't my doctor, we could totally be friends. This doctor's got a evil side that I really dig!

Peace Out!

Depression and anxiety are serious disorders. I joke to help spread understanding and compassion. If you think that you or a loved one is having problems with depression or anxiety, please seek professional help immediately. Find someone to talk to. Find a med that works for you. You're not alone and you can overcome this, with help.
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