Our Tooth Fairy SUCKS!

Last week, Myriam lost both of her top front teeth. And in our house that means that a visit from the Tooth Fairy is in order. Unfortunately, our Tooth Fairy's ineptitude knows no bounds! She cannot be trusted to deliver the goods the night the tooth is lost without advance notice and even when sufficient notice is given, she may still leave ya hangin'. So when my children's teeth started falling out with some regularity I just knew there were going to be problems....

The first tooth was bad enough. Saturday morning I'm awakened to a plaintive wail from my daughter's room, "The Tooth Fairy didn't come!" After a few tears, I find out that before Myriam fell asleep Friday night, she managed to pull the first of her top, front, teeth. Please note the Hubby and I griped at her incessantly that evening, to stay out of the bathroom; I guess we now know what she was doing in there!

I calmed Myriam by informing her that if Mommy doesn't know about said tooth, then she can't email the Tooth Fairy and let her know to visit. *Whew* I then proceeded to rush her through breakfast and out the door to swim lessons.

But the second tooth.... Well, let's just say that only utter incompetence on the part of the Tooth Fairy can be blamed. I mean she was given plenty of notice. The tooth was even put in the tooth cup on the dresser! No digging around under pillows, around here. Oh no!

Sure enough the next morning I was awakened by my stiff neck, due to the fact that I fell asleep on the couch while waiting for a toothless little girl to fall asleep to the same plaintive cry, "The Tooth Fairy didn't come!" This time while I was walking off my stiff neck all Quasimodo style, my son Porter heads in to offer comfort to Myriam in her time of need.

"It's ok Myriam," he says, a chipper tone. "You get more money when the Tooth Fairy forgets!" Um... yeah....

So after a strongly worded email is sent in full view of my children, I vow that I will have to take matters into my own hands.

That night, after I'm certain that the children are all sleeping peacefully, and soundly I grab my wallet. And then have to make the trek out to my car in order to find a dollar, because what am I thinking? I don't EVER have money in my wallet! After retrieving the dollar I again check to see that the children are sleeping and T-I-P-T-O-E stealthily down the hall, slip into my daughter's room and promptly step on a Mother F#$%ing Lego positioned, oh so, conveniently in front of my daughter's dresser! I quickly and silently hobble back to the living room to nurse my wounds.

After I am fully recovered, I decide to try again and I make it all the way down the hall and into her room and I'm in the process of swapping tooth for cash, WHEN--Myriam's alarm clock starts buzzing, chiming, ringing, and generally announcing my presence in the room!

I scramble across the room, stepping on every single strategically placed Lego in the room and R-I-P the clock from her bedside table, knocking over her nightlight/lamp. (Thank God for cheap, plastic nightlight/lamps.) I fumble wildly trying to find the off switch in the now pitch blackness of her room, minus the glow of her nightlight/lamp. Inevitably, I grasp the plug and jerk it from the wall. Unfortunately, her clock is equipped with batteries. *sigh*

After carrying the damn thing to the living room I finally found the off switch. And Myriam never even moved. So I tromped back to her room, returned her nightlight/lamp and clock to their rightful places, picked up the tooth and just as soon as I was placing the dollar I hear, "Momma?"

I audibly cringe. (It sounds a lot like the air being let out of a tire.) Turning, I face my daughter, ready to explain why I'm in the tooth-for-cash business, only to find that she was talking in her sleep and that my beautiful albeit toothless child is sleeping soundly.

After tiptoe-ing down the hall, to the kitchen, I pour myself an GINORMOUS glass of wine and decide that the Tooth Fairy seriously needs a raise.

Peace Out!
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