My Self-Worth is Totally Dependent Upon the Cleanliness of My House

     I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I married a very smart man. The Hubby is a Geologist. In fact, the Hubby holds a Master's degree in Geology. He's very well educated. He got his Master's not because it would benefit him in his chosen career but because of his love of learning.
     I am less than twenty credit hours away from a Bachelor's degree in Fine Arts. And no, I'm not pursuing my degree at this time. I know that many of you would like to tell me that I should finish, and someday I might. But not now. Not anytime in the foreseeable future. I could give you a dozen reasons why I'm not interested in completing my degree at this time but they would be excuses and that's not what this post is about anyway. But you needed this background information in order to understand what what I'm about to tell you.

     When the Hubby and I first married I was the main bread winner. I made considerably more money working at McDonald's as a PR rep than he did as a licensed Geologist with a Master's degree. Now towards the end of my career as a "work outside the home mom" this wasn't the case. But in the beginning, and for the majority of years of our marriage I was the one that brought home the lion's share.
     Now I stay at home. Now I have a part-time photography business. And right now, in the winter, it's hard to find a paying gig. February is a hard month to be a studio-less photographer. In just a few short years I've come from contributing the majority of the income to relying on my husband's income. It's been a hard pill to swallow for this independent gal. I hate it. I hate being dependent.
     I've been in a funk for several months now. I've mentioned it in previous posts and the feeling of despondency reared its ugly head again this weekend. "I'm just not happy right now," I told the Hubby. "It's hard feeling like I don't contribute." What I didn't say was that no matter how important it is to raise, feed and nurture our children I can't seem to derive my self-worth from that task. Although I like a clean home it isn't a reflection of what kind of person I am. And a home cooked meal doesn't leave me with a sense of accomplishment.
     I was criticized recently about the way I keep my house and raise my family and although the words hurt me it wasn't for the reasons the person intended. I hurt because that person assumed that calling me a lousy housekeeper and mother WOULD hurt me. As if all that I am is a maid and a mother. It frightened me that the world too, would only see me as a two dimensional figure--that lived her life only to serve her children and husband.
     On the plus side, that insult spurred my effort to clean my house from top to bottom. Either that or the projectile vomiting that occurred over last week. You're right. It was probably the insult. God knows what a lousy housekeeper I am. LOL!

Peace Out!
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