I "Hired" a Ghost Blogger. (Ok not really but I do have someone else doing the work. I really wish I could find someone else to do the dishes too.)

     Ya'll know that I'm sick and I've decided that I'm taking the easy way out. I found myself a guest blogger to fill in here today! I really think that you're going to enjoy Kim's brand of humor. She makes me laugh and since this is my blog that's all that really matters.
     Many thanks to Kim for jumping in here all last minute-y and filling the void that has been my blog this week. I'm just glad there's something that resembles content on here. Make sure that ya'll are nice to Kim and leave nice comments, go visit her blog and "like" and follow her. She's fantastic, Twin*tastic even! I'm taking her advice and going back to bed.
Peace out!

Hi there,
My name is Kim, and I am the author of a blog called My Twin*tastic Life.  I'm a stay at home mom to identical twin boys who are 4 years old.  And sick with colds.  And conjunctivitis.  Wanna come over?  Anywho....Rebecca here, became my friend when she very nicely helped me with the design of my blog.  I am somewhat new to blogging and she was nice enough to tell me my blog looked like I was somewhat new to blogging.  She helped me spruce it up a bit and I was and continue to be forever grateful.  Plus, she still comes to my rescue whenever I am trying to tweak something else on there.  Anywho, we all know she's an all around great gal, who is right now, feeling a bit under the weather.
These are my poor sickos
this week....but don't worry,
they were up running around right
after I took this pic!
Now, for you parents out there, you know how awful it is when your kids are sick.  True, we hate to see them in pain, their glassy little eyes, their pink-with-fever cheeks, their sore red noses.....but let's be honest, sick for them inevitably means sick for us.  Which is awful.  Now don't get me wrong, I can't stand to see my kiddos sick, but they have us to take care of them.  Who do we have to take care of us when we are sick?  Does Daddy stay home from work to help take care of me?  Nope.  Does he stay home to help take care of the kiddos?  Nope. (well, sometimes) Do the kiddos play nicely together, watch movies and fix themselves meals so that Boogery Mommy can rest?  Nope.  We're on our own ladies.  No sick days for us.  No callin' it in. 
So when I saw that my friend Rebecca was sick, I asked if she wanted a note from me excusing her from her duties.  Surprise, surprise she did!  So here I am, writing a little post for her, substituting if you will, letting her have a sick day from her blog since you sure as hell know she can't call in sick at home!
I started thinking that we should be able to call in sick.  There should be some higher-up who would be able to excuse us from our duties for the day....write a note on some official looking pad of paper, telling our families to fend for themselves or even {gasp} take care of us!  Then I started thinking about what those notes would look like.  Here are what I think some of them will, should, would look like....

Notice my sis-in-law
played the word "swig".
Good advice, right there.
To whom it may concern (cuz let's face it, some of our kids wouldn't even notice we weren't around):
Please excuse Jane from work today.  She has a pounding headache from hitting her head against the wall over and over again yesterday while attempting to potty train the 3 year old, (Yes that's you Johnny. IN the potty!  Not around it, not ON it.  IN it!)  I have strongly advised her to stay in bed, with the TV off, but with her iPad placed close by for games of Words With Friends in case of emergency.  Thank you.


May respond to
the name "DADDY"
Or maybe not.
To whoever finds this:
Mommy isn't doing shit today.  She feels like the crap she was wiping off your butt yesterday and is boycotting all of you.  It is Saturday, so please see the man named "Daddy" for anything you may need.  You can find him either in the garage or on the couch.  He may seem like he doesn't know what the hell he's doing, but whatever he does will be fine for the day and Mommy will fix it tomorrow.  If you hear him whisper, "Go ask Mommy", take the middle finger on your hand, yes, that's right, tall man, and show it to Daddy.  There is no reason for you to watch your shows on the TV in Mommy's room, no matter what the man says so please STAY THE HELL OUT.  Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Have you ever seen this
woman in YOUR house?
To the family living in this house;
I am submitting this letter as a request demand for a few days off.  It is in your best interest to allow these days off, as you may find me to be a bit difficult to be around.  Do NOT ask me if it's "that time of the month", or if "Aunt Flo is here" because it is not 1987 and you do NOT want to hear my answer.  Please ensure that the kitchen is stocked with Cool Ranch Doritos, Laffy Taffy, chocolate covered pretzels and Lemon Lime Gatorade.  Do not ask why, just do it.  And don't eat any of it. I will return 3 days from now. Any questions please see your Father. Or a neighbor. Or sleep at a friends house....whatever.

If Mommy looks like this,
close the door and walk away.
I know I'm not up yet, and I won't be for a few hours.  Me and the girls had a Girls Night Out A friend needed to talk last night and being the great friend that I am, I joined the girls at a bar took her out to "dinner" to help cheer her up.  After a few pitchers of Margaritas and Karaoke sodas  she felt much better and I was able to get her home.  The cab Auntie B brought me home soon after and now I just need to get rid of this hangover and figure out where my car is some "me time" to get my head right after such an emotional evening.  When you are done reading this, if you could please send in some Advil, a Bloody Mary and a Big Mac that would be great.  Thanks.

There's my boy! 
W, making us all proud!
Dear Kids,
I am only here today in a Consulting capacity.  I am not here to play army men with you, nor will we be going outside to play.  I see a lot of TV on the agenda and at least ONE, if not TWO meals centered around chicken nuggets.  I will not be making any major decisions today, nor will I be in my striped Referee uniform.  Any arguments you have must be worked out amongst yourselves.  I would prefer there be no violence, but our neighbor is a nurse if you really feel it's justified.  I understand that I may seem to be a bit of a "drag" today, but you can respectfully suck it.  I got this illness from you because you pick your nose and touch everything in the house.  You also coughed in my mouth 2 nights ago while sleeping in my bed as I comforted you during your illness.   So please.  Enjoy the junk food and TV for today and just let me be.  Thank you and good night.

and this one is especially for Rebecca

To my helpless family loving family,
As you can tell by the painful, puss filled blisters all over my body, I am feeling a bit under the weather.  I was hoping that these sores would frighten you, or at the very least, gross you out just enough to keep you away for a few hours at a time, but this has not been the case.  Perhaps when they begin to open and ooze that will change.  Apparently, you have gotten used to me feeding, clothing and hugging you all the time, which is unfortunate.  I understand that you see me on my computer, updating my blog for my millions of fans, but that doesn't mean that I feel better.  It's just that they seem to be a little bit more sympathetic to my being sick than you, and they say nice things to me...quite honestly, that makes me feel good.  So I will drag myself out of bed for you.  I will cook you dinner and help you in the tub, but I don't want to hear your "Ewwww, gross's" or "Mom, you're getting puss in our Mac and cheese!"  You can shut it or have Apple Jacks for dinner.  I love you, but I'm in pain and filled with puss so you'll have to cut me some slack.  Hopefully (for your sake) I will be better soon, and I will be be back to being the best blogger Mom in the whole world.  Until then, can you grab me some juice and show yourselves out?  Thanks for your understanding.

This was me last
time I was sick. 
Sometimes I look like
Phil Specter when I've been
in bed sick.
So while I would love to utilize all at least one of these, I won't.  Neither will you.  Because we're Moms.  We will drag our sickly, boogery, rats-nest haired bodies out of bed (and by the way, why is it when we're sick our hair always looks freakin' CRAZY?  I mean really crazy) and continue to take care of everyone in our homes like we always do.  Well, we think it's like we always do, but our poor families are probably wondering why there was A1 Steak Sauce in their Cheerios at breakfast and a box of uncooked wagon wheel pasta in their lunch boxes....but you get my drift.  We will always take care of everyone before we take care of ourselves. 
Feel better Rebecca and thanks for having me!  I hope that family of yours is taking good care of you!  If you guys would like to check me out, feel free to come by, I'd love to have you!  I'll even try to make you laugh.  I'm over at My Twin*tastic Life

Stay healthy everyone!!
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All images and written work, found herein, is the sole property of Rebecca Burton and may not be used in any capacity without express written consent.