How children know you are at your very weakest, I will never figure out. And why they choose to use this knowledge for evil also boggles my mind. For example, today I truly believe had my husband not come home from work when he did he would have found himself childless. Today, as far as I can tell, has been all about how far the children can push Mommy before her head actually explodes. It hasn’t been a single event but instead a culmination of a series of bad behaviors, indomitable wills, and futile arguments, but mostly… (sigh) it’s been Porter….
The Spasm is my son Porter’s alter-ego. But the Spasm is NOT a super hero! The Spasm is who we blame when Porter is out of control. The Spasm is what happens when Nana gives Porter Diet Pepsi! (For those of you who don’t already know this, just because a child says please, doesn’t mean they should get what they are asking for!!!!!!!!!) Generally speaking, Porter is a sweet, kind, but very busy little boy. The Spasm on the other hand, is spastic, rude, crude and generally ill behaved. The Spasm makes me understand why parents have threatened their children with Boogie men and gypsies since the beginning of time. In my family it was the Coco Man. The Coco Man would come for bad children in the middle of the night and steal you away after stuffing you into his bag, something like an evil Santa Claus. I remember huddling under my blankets in fear after a particularly ill fated trip to a department store. But I digress….
All of this began with the idea that I should attempt to fold some of the laundry that is taking up the better half of my basement. Since the new school schedule I have yet to figure out a work schedule for me that allows me time to keep up with daily requisite 3 loads of laundry, 2-3 loads of dishes, and the multitude of mundane tasks that is the lot of the Mommy. So far all I’ve really managed is to ensure that we all have clean underwear on a semi-daily basis. (Just a brief look into my psyche: I’m always a little giddy when I run out of dish soap or laundry detergent. It’s because I know that at least for a short period of time I have a reprieve from those duties.)
Today the children decided that they would fight, cry, whine, and destroy. (Really it’s pretty par for the course.) These were a few of the Spasm’s favorite discoveries…
· The most effective tool for spreading toilet water evenly over every bathroom surface is the toilet plunger.
· Riding your brother down the hallway like a bunking bronco, while he screeches for you to “GET OFF” is fun!
· Hanging your sister’s favorite dolly from the closet by a shoelace from daddy’s boots, while she wails; is most gratifying.
· Listening to Mommy screech like a banshee? Priceless.
